The List [v0.12] [Uncle Loco]

Three things, maybe four:

– First: There’s no point in creampie if you can’t get the girl pregnant (and there’s plenty of leeway in cultural mythology that says a vampire IS NOT necessarily sterile; including the Dhampyr. So it shouldn’t just automatically be off the table) If you don’t want to render pregnancy, fine. But a) Diamonds did not need to reveal anything about sexual assault to a guy she JUST MET; sexual assault IS NOT rape. You do need to clarify. There’s NO POINT in a fantasy setting to deny the player the choice to Cum Inside, at any point. She is not clear about it being an issue of her scars. Having him actually get her pregnant would also be a better reason to RE-INTRODUCE her into the harem later. Since I doubt you’re ever going to re-write this whole thing to not be stupid enough to separate the Harem girls from the MC. [It’s the same thing as D&D = You NEVER split the party…]

= Side point: It’s STILL NOT A HAREM, because – The Twins SHOULD BE CLAIMED BY MC! If they were never going to be on the table; don’t put them in the game as anything more than a written reference by way of being one of Alexis’ “connections.” Meeting them was never required, and adds FUCK ALL to the story. It’s like waving a piece of food in front of a dog – and you wonder why your audience in comments calls this a bad game. I may understand your reasoning, to a point – but I also heavily disagree with your logic. Meeting their “Daddy” – OR having MC be “scared” of him also EMASCULATES The harem lead. Not to mention = IF HE is allowed to have a Harem, Alexis DOES NOT get to be the one to add STIPULATIONS to it! That’s not the genre. She’s either okay with the concept, or she’s not. You don’t do a harem with caveats. That just makes the player think something’s going to fuck up, or make them afraid to accept new females you might add. Also: you DO NOT EVER remove a girl that is listed IN THE HAREM on your own list at the right corner, from the game. For any length of time. Diamonds was not necessary to be yeeted (that’s why an amnesiac MC is usually a bad idea – so is putting a harem lead in any kind of critical condition for an extended length, it’s counter intuitive to the CORE of the genre; which is BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS with ANY girl the PLAYER CHOOSES. IE any girl rendered SHOULD BE MADE AVAILABLE TO CHOOSE TO PURSUE!) Lilly NEEDS to NEVER have gone to Texas over choosing MC IF she was ever that damned invested in him; since at any point she returns she should be smart enough to know he has no reason to trust that she has been faithful to him OR wants to continue the relationship. There’s also NO REASON THAT MC should not be added to “the list” eventually. (I’d also say it’s in bad taste to make a desktop background of your game, while inside your game. That’s not meta. It’s gouche) * Remember what I said above. Becoming a vampire does not necessarily, and should not void all possibility of pregnancy. It does not have to, and you’d be removing a kink that does draw players in. Not that I think it will help at this rate. Your pacing is horrible and you’ve made some VERY counterintuitive plot decisions.

The point you had Alexis fucking hypnotize MC to “protect” him is also BULLSHIT – and can actively DAMAGE his mind; and she should be aware of that (it’s why you don’t put the Harem Leader in a position of Submission against a creature that’s SUPERNATURAL, by making him NOT Supernatural… Even the damned odds. Pronto) There’s the point you have a female voice in his head, stating X to the player = Breaking the fourth wall for ANY reason is not good writing. If you can’t let the audience INFER on it’s own, you’re not properly conveying the information you want us to have. Plain and simple. Telling MC to trust someone that just admitted she fed him her blood before he was even conscious to consent – and that it gives her power over his emotional state in general – by way of disembodied voice is NOT a recipe for anything but Deadpool. If he ever is going to be a vampire, you DO NOT want MC to be like Deadpool. He’s the bad kind of Malkavian. Personally, I prefer Gangrel. [Introduce whom the voice belongs to; or fuck right off with it as a concept. We do NOT need – and some of us have scars in this area, so we won’t WANT to doubt MC’s sanity. Not in the Harem Genre. It’s literally the easiest possible genre to write. The only tensions should be in making the girls all get along, and building the actual relationships to start with]

* I will NEVER let go of the Twins SHOULD be in the Harem issue. You can disagree all you want, and you might be the dev/writer of the game, but you’re also outvoted. Apparently heavily enough to have been passive aggressive about it in the chapter intros, and the game can’t properly be called a harem with them included into it = but at the same time unavailable. You have like 3+ Vampires on the fucking harem list, but you can’t add in the Twins? (It’s the same kind of thing for some people as Incest, and frankly Incest adjacent…) ** There’s the point that if your friend was going to design a game with them in it; or was going to design one with you – he probably intended for them to be love interests in some respect. So your argument about paying respect to him by using his IP falls more than a little flat. It’s a straw excuse, and it’s probably cost you more subs than taking them out of the story would have. You didn’t even give them proper names, so how much of their original personality is really there to see; and how much “honor” of your friends memory do you think can be weighed against the backlash of going against the grain of the intended genre you profess to be writing? There’s also the issue that having them “train” the MC is another form of Emasculation that you won’t allow to be salved by their submission to MC, and inclusion into the Harem; that’s going to stick all the more in the craw of some players…

* Caps Lock is used for Emphasis. It is not and never will be “shouting.” I am not angry, you’d have to try harder to piss me off. It does frustrate me to see plot holes, or unforced errors – any of which can be fixed with some honest work and willingness to bend, but I don’t tend to “yell” at anyone online. There may be parts of my reviews or comments/rants if you’re unkind, that I want to be paid more attention to as markedly important in my opinion, and I blame Millenials and their text speak bullshit for ever thinking that Caps Lock means shouting. Or that a period at the end of a sentence is somehow “aggressive.”

Then do not use them in the game as anything but NPC’s. Do not dress them suggestively, do NOT tease that they “already have a Master” and do not have them do anything but BE PROFESSIONAL.

I’m not saying you can’t honor your friend – but using HIS characters in your game possibly without his expressed permission sounds shady as fuck to me, and if true that in fact is disrespectful, as well as showing your own lacking imagination on that end – I AM saying that adding two attractively rendered girls and even lightly sexualizing them, to tease the player base WILL piss people off in general BECAUSE. THIS. IS. A. HAREM!

I LIKE vampires. I hope you actually make the MC a freaking vampire. But the story elements are NOT cohesive. You already moved ONE of the girls that the MC was involved with (again, in a HAREM) to god knows where = she could be fucking god knows who by now and you DO NOT do that to this genre! – and the actual introduction of vampiric characters was NOT subtle. At all. You’re painting the MC as far too weak to become the Badass you say he’s going to shape up to be, and then you’re outclassing him in the vein of the supernatural… and you DON’T understand why half your players say the game sucks??? The GIRLS do NOT need to be more skilled at martial combat; HE needs to be the SKILLED one to start with. To show that he DOES have a place on the team, and seems COMPETENT enough to survive long enough to MEET the vampires. Who would also then have better reason for the female to be so impressed with him, other than wanting to bone him instantly just to piss her brother off…

It’s NOT actually hard to write a power-scaled fantasy, with incremental gains in power for the MC over time, like this man. I could actually help you do it. I am an author with over 300 paranormal romance and sci fi based high fantasy novels finished. But if you’re going to bullheadedly insist that you’re “respecting” your dead friend’s wishes with two characters that aren’t even yours in the first place… that’s going to cost you a LOT of cred with anyone who might subscribe and support your work. It’s your call.