Origin Story [v0.3.1] [JDOR]

Now I’ve played the full update with all existent content; I’m going to try to reign in my temper and articulate my points more favorably. Because I can see where the game DOES have potential to be VERY good. It’s still a bit derivitive of Superheroes Suck; but again there are differences that mean it’s not plagerized. (There’s only so many power sets and Rogue’s power is actually pretty damned OP…)

First, it should probably be re-named “Harem” mode rather than Safe. The recontextualizing of specific scenes (or the one I can spot so far that was re worked instead of skipped) had Parker focus on masturbating about MC in the bathroom stall; rather than sucking the waiter off – or given her supposed statement of always maintaining sexual control (which is bullshit by the way – no female no matter how “dominant” will ALWAYS have sexual control) more likely him eating her out. So with the focus being on MC instead, it’s clear that Harem will be the path for the safe option.

Next: Not every girl needs to have Bi leanings – Amber for example is a harder read than she has to be. So is Evelyn. She is NOT “clearly” over the moon for MC, when she’s commenting half the time about how hot some of the girls are – or actively trying to control MC in fucking Moonsong during that scene (If she’s willing to be the First Girl/Cuckqueen, then she SHOULD be satisfied just watching, and perhaps LIGHTLY directing – with the PLAYER being the one to choose whether he follows the demands: I do not mind that FemDom is IN the game, I very much care that it’s NOT MY CHOICE) * If you are willing to discount some scenes that are tied to content players may not like, you should NOT pick and choose about known controversial content.

I would not even have assumed or known that Lady Steel was into guys – the same way I initially expected Amber to just be fully gay; because you make her so up front interested and bold with Parker. I literally thought Jason was gonna be a Jade. Parker to that query should simply say: No. I am straight. Full stop. (We will get to her… oh yes) Also: IF Lady Steel is going to be a love interest – lay off the death threats. No man is going to want to go near her, no matter the size of his cock or balls, if she keeps threatening his life to EVEN TRY. [She’s MARKED as a LOVE INTEREST in your list, so you’re either MASSIVELY over-compensating in the vein of the Taming Of The Shrew, OR you really don’t know how to write a strong female that has wants, and has walls… but does not go far enough to blow her own foot off with a potential lover] * I will find it hilarious if somehow by the time he does go back to HQ Lady Steel ends up Wingmaning for MC with Coldsnap & Ghostraven, because either she realizes how good of a man he is and again – DOES have those wants – or because he saves her life/she saves his and we’ll get to see her guard drop fully when she actually thinks he’s gonna die again. (Please don’t do that – you can only pull the I almost died card so many times, without Wolverine’s healing factor, and you haven’t added invulnerability as a powerset for him to absorb)

Point being, Lady Steel and Riley specifically NEED to soften, A HELL of a lot. Otherwise how the fuck are they actual love interests, where some of the nicer females in general (Marina/Isabella) somehow rate as “side” girls. Riley and her mom don’t even have any powers; so nevermind the idea that if they get sexual with MC, they get ANY control of the sex. They’ve already blue balled him quite enough. The whole Side chick thing is actually insulting to the characters in general, devalues them as females – which I do find awkward if you are trying for any form of actual Feminism. I’d go a more Egalatarian route myself, since feminism stopped being about equality long ago now, but that’s just me. It would however require that women actually own up to their slut sides, and most of them would realize that if they want someone for more than a notch on their bed post occasionally, they’d have to stay loyal and be direct about what exactly they do want. You’re not writing them like that so far. It can be fixed, and there are genuinely SOME FEW endearing moments, but they are further between the comments that make most of the girls seem way too assholish to want to pursue. That needs to stop. The girls are meant to be ENDEARING. Not just physically attractive. That’s not what’s going to keep a guy invested. Even in a fantasy context. Ghostraven also needs to be a LOT softer: I was like what. The. Fuck? when she stated at the end of a diatribe about how she didn’t trust MC not to fuck all the girls and wanted him booted ASAP how she suddenly goes But he deserves a chance… you should NOT fish-tail like that. You will confuse the audience. She’s not bipolar, or it really would be a song of ice and fire (it wasn’t as good of a joke as you think, and it doesn’t endear Ellen to me that she laughed at it, IF she’s going to be that much of a prick for no reason during the strategy meeting)

Parker having BEEN a dancer in the first place, is also devaluing the fuck out of her. I told you we’d get to her. There’s the fact she’s overly willing to use sex as a weapon (which has connotations of it’s own that are unsavory – and in the default mode I don’t doubt you would show us her getting bent over a table, or kneeling under it to get her way… which says more about your opinion of women in business by the way) when as one of the Leads of the company she SHOULD have the ability to defend and properly articulate her point. [Especially if she’s “Always” in sexual control; you think that doesn’t translate to elsewhere???] The more she leans on suggestion and promiscuity (That is the right word – look it up) to get her way, the more those assholes are going to believe she is the type to go through with things and will push for her to do X. You literally wrote the secretary who was forced to cheat on her husband because X douche had her over a barrel about her job (get another job. Jesus. Easy answer) but the point I was originally making was that Parker having BEEN a dancer and been through that grinder would be EXACTLY why she WOULDN’T want her daughter to be one. Ever. Encouraging that bullshit also DEVALUES Riley. Not to mention endangers her. You think the bouncers are there for no reason? That every drunk assed male is tame? That when she goes home at night, without the bouncers present she’s not literally risking her ass doing so. Come on. Use your brain. Actually, let her use hers… That’s aside from the point that if the company made shit tons in the first place WHY THE HELL are either of them even working??? She’s a CEO… it’d mostly be fundraising, and charity work. PR maybe, and if she kept abreast of a controlling interest as far as shareholders, attending meetings so she doesn’t get taken unawares as to what’s going on in the company. It wouldn’t be THAT much work compared to a 9-5 job. Do you have any idea what salary a CEO who made the company MILLIONS off a vaccine would actually make per year? (Honestly the fact she’s buggered off to galas and in with groups of old lech guys as often as you wrote her makes me think she’s ONLY there in default mode to be NTR content) Neither of those two should need a job. Riley could be making money on the side with her own little business venture: IE as a fitness/Martial arts/Yoga instructor out of boredom. The way you wrote these two NOT ONLY denegrates the MC (thus the player – and dents the desire to actually CHASE them) but them as characters as well.

I’ll leave space to assume that you’re probably open to adding Scarlet Shadow and MC’s “aunt” into the mix one way or the other. [I’ll further assume if you’re smarter than you’ve been writing so far, that the Aunt will only SEEM to be involved in MC’s parents’ deaths by bad circumstances in evidence, and is working to actively pursue the real culprit – who may be someone powerful that geared MC’s creation in the first place – probably with said designs on world domination – and whom said parents might have rebelled against… but at this point she could just as easily be the overly jealous antagonist who wanted Hubby for herself, and made him kill his wife when he rejected her advances… and wants to make it seem to MC that she is what I wrote above to remove suspicion and make him her pawn to gain more power than she has. It’s your call] Whatever you’re intending, I’ll warn you not to write MC into a corner; and don’t let the Sisterhood do all the work if he’s at all going to somehow “prove” he’s a prospective member. The two are counterproductive. Again, maybe Steel will soften to the point of considering a real relationship when he saves her arse enough times. Or Ghostraven will soften to MC when he proves he’s NOT just there to get laid. That he can pull weight on the team – Build relationships and improve morale/calm fights down with mediation; that yes… can be tied to the fact several or all of them want his dick. It’s the same thing with making Riley a stripper just because she got Mommy’s good genes. I listed at least three jobs above where she should be able to make “good” money and not have to shake her tits on a pole. You’re DEVALUING her when you do that, and making her less viable as a pursuable love interest. Which really, honestly does not track with the “feminist” leanings you have several females espouse. She could be a teaching assistant, a data analyst who might be able to help Moonsong with the specifics of MC’s powers. You rendered her attractive as balls PHYSICALLY. But you make her a tomboyish abrasive, abusive asshole. How in the hell do you want most men to find that attractive enough to pursue, when she’s also been pretty direct about having NEGATIVE sexual interest in the MC?

Here’s another tip though: You say most of the females on the list have shit powers (as long as they aren’t The Sisterhood – and Steel’s right; I wouldn’t count Amber out… because it’s going to be hard to fuck her properly if we can never find the right damned hole) then ADD BETTER POWERS. Again, Wolverine for raw survivability (and the option to know when a female fucking WANTS him…) Nightcrawler you’ve already got covered with Todd. There’s Collosus. Kitty Pryde, you could actually do Bishop as far as absorbing Kinetic energy (rather applied force) for fuck sakes. Or Emma frost. There’s WAYS to counter Lady Steel’s strength that don’t involve super strength directly. There’s the fact you didn’t give her invulnerability to go along with strength; so she actually comes off as WAY overconfident for no justified reason. If she can bleed and break bones as easily as anyone else, MC could take her out when she sleeps and she should know that. It’s NEVER smart to threaten someone with violence. But it’s especially NOT OKAY to do that if she’s marked as a pursuable love interest! Also, she’d be a MUCH better character if her hesitance to fuck MC was ONLY about the fact she could seriously injure him with her strength; and she’s aware of that fact, so she enacts the persona she’s got to protect everyone else… even if that personally costs her. Straight A student, by your own words. So put in a girl (who ISN’T chokehold, because that one’s not appealing either) who has something that can counter Steel, and make her about six leagues more approachable as far as being down to fuck and wanting more than that from MC. Then she can let her guard down – and again, maybe actually try Submitting to a man she can’t beat the holy fuck out of. Just a thought. For Ghostraven, you have the time freezer… she can’t hit jack shit if she can’t move. There’s also a Plastic Man power as a counter. There’s superpeed (though you’ll turn that into a sex joke, I know… so don’t go there) there’s gravity based polarization. Or again, invulnerability. If you’re going to make these females Romanceable in path; you have to give MC the means to TAKE THEIR GUARDS DOWN. Which means countering their bullshit powers, that they seem to be overly keen to threaten him with – even though you literally killed a kid whose powers were TIED TO HIS EMOTIONS!!! Like MOST energy based powers = an organization set up to combat/contain super powered people would ABSOLUTELY know this – just because you gave MC a power that requires sex to activate. Gah.